


The Foreign Girl and the Marrying Man

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-17
Updated: 2012-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-02 02:25:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/363975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I need to become an American quick or I'm in a lot of trouble.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Foreign Girl and the Marrying Man

**Author's Note:**

> There is no specific ship in the story but it will be if I continue on. This could turn into a series, or at least have a sequel. I'm not sure of either yet but when it finally came together in my mind I laughed and knew that it had to be written.

“We have a big problem.” Emily and JJ walked into Penelope’s lair on a warm but rainy Tuesday. Penelope looked up from her computer screens.

“What's up?”

“Actually, I have a big problem.”

“What's the matter, Peaches? Don’t scare me, just give it to me straight.”

“There's a large possibility I could be deported.” Emily replied.

“Say what?” Penelope raised an eyebrow.

“Emily just found out she's not an American citizen.” JJ said.

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Penelope said.

“I know it doesn’t.” Emily replied. “My parents are American and so am I. The problem is something in one of those many damn computers says I was born in Riyadh and I've never been naturalized. I'm an illegal alien.”

“Are you kidding me?” Penelope was dumbfounded. Then she smiled. “Well that should be easy to fix…presto change-o.”

“I don’t want you going to jail for me Penelope.”

“I'm one of the foremost hackers in the universe. I work for the good guys; and I'm too pretty for jail.”

“It’s not a good idea.” JJ said. “There are already people working on it. If you go in and change it, it might look bad for Em.”

“Well what are you going to do?” Penelope asked. “Why is this such a big deal anyway?”

“Because I work for the federal government and now there are red flags going off about my knowing classified information, who I spend time with, where my charitable donations go to, etc. Red flags that probably wouldn’t go off if I was from say Italy or Canada, if you know what I mean.”

“Ouch. OK, what are we doing?”

“Well I had to have a long talk with Strauss. She’s getting some pressure from above but said she's not planning, at this time, to put me on administrative leave.”

“Well she does owe you one.” JJ said.

“Exactly.” Emily nodded. “But I might be chained to a desk until this is worked out. With all the red tape that could be months or longer.”

“What about your mother?” Penelope asked. “I've seen her intimidate some scary, powerful people.”

“I honestly don’t want to involve her.” she sighed. “But I called my dad. He's a pretty powerful guy too. After he stopped laughing, he said he’d make a few phone calls. The problem is even if you get the guy at the tip top, that damn red tape could still take forever.”

“Tell your dad to call the President.” Penelope suggested. “I know that he knows him; I saw them together in the _Washington Post_.”

“I think President Obama has bigger fish to fry than my suddenly being a Saudi Arabian.”

“Not really, since he just lost a potential vote.” JJ replied.

“I need a damn clove.” Emily ran her hands over her face and through her hair. “I feel like Sandra Bullock in _The Proposal_ , you know minus being a total bitch and all.”

“Oh my God, Peaches, that’s it. It’s so brilliant I don’t know how I didn’t come up with it myself. Well, I am coming up with it so…”

“What are you talking about, Penelope?” JJ asked.

“And why am I afraid?” Emily added.

“We have boys here.” Penelope said.

“You lost me.” JJ looked at her best friend like she had three heads.

“Marriage!” Penelope exclaimed. “Just marry one of the boys and you'll be a citizen in no time.”

“If by no time you mean three years,” Emily smirked. “Then you're absolutely right.”

“Well, are you planning to move away in the next three years?” JJ asked.

“Please don’t tell me you think this is a good idea.”

“It could be a fix until the real one comes in.”

“I can't marry one of the boys.” Emily reasoned. “Intra-team fraternization is highly frowned upon.”

“But this is an emergency.” Penelope said. “Strauss almost likes us now…she won't be a thorn in your side.”

“I think she was made to be a thorn in my side. Speaking of Strauss, Rossi’s out. Anyway, I love him to pieces but have no real interest in being Mrs. Rossi #4. Not even the fake Mrs. Rossi #4.”

“Plus, he snores.” JJ replied.

“Yeah, the snoring thing would drive me to homicide.” Penelope agreed. “What about Spencer?”

“That’d be like marrying my baby brother. And I can't stain Spencer’s rep with a divorce under his belt.”

“You could get it annulled.” Penelope said. “Unless you intend on consummating it. Is there something you haven’t told us, hon?”

“Yeah, you just made my stomach turn thinking about having sex with Spencer. Whoa, I didn’t mean like it that; you know I adore him. But he's like my baby brother, seriously.”

“I surely know Derek Morgan isn’t like your baby brother.” JJ said, giving Emily funny eyes.

“This is a bad idea, guys. Morgan is a commitment-phobe. And we have way too much in common and know too much about each other. I see that sliding downhill fast. It'll begin like _The Proposal_ and end like _The War of the Roses_.”

“Well there's only one boy left.” Penelope said.

“Don’t even think about it.” Emily shook her head.

“Why shouldn’t we?” JJ asked. “He's the only one you're thinking about anyway.”

“I am not!” she said it a little too vehemently. “Can we think of a real solution to my problem that doesn’t require desk duty until the second coming or getting it on with any of my teammates?”

“Just ask him, Peaches.” Penelope said. “I’m putting $50 on him doing it.”

“Double or nothing he insists on being a good husband and not just a paper one.” JJ said smiling.

“I got $100 on that.”

They all turned when they heard the voice. Dave Rossi was standing in Garcia’s doorway. JJ just realized that she hadn't closed the door after they walked in. All three women stared at him with horror on their faces.

“How much of that did you hear?” Emily asked.

“I don’t snore.” He replied.

“Rossi!” 

“What? I don’t…OK, I do sometimes but it’s a nighttime breathing issue. Lots of people have it.”

“Lots of people snore.” Penelope mumbled.

“I heard that Garcia. What's going on in here?”

“Emily is a Saudi Arabian.” Penelope replied before they could stop her.

“I'm sorry, what?”

“Some kind of silly mix up has me in the system as a Saudi Arabian because I was born in Riyadh. So right now I'm an illegal alien and even with my parents’ connections it could take a while to get me back to where I should be. So we’re trying to come up with solutions that don’t involve Penelope hacking into the Social Security Administration or my marrying my Unit Chief.”

“Actually I'm for her marrying her Unit Chief.” JJ said raising her hand.

“It takes three years for you to become a citizen through marriage.” Dave said. “And it’s under a lot of scrutiny.”

“Yeah but I figure my dad will have it fixed by then. The marriage thing was just a way to keep me off desk duty until it was resolved. Strauss was kind enough not to give me administrative leave. This is so clearly a mistake. Anyway, I didn’t say anything about marriage…that was Penelope’s idea.”

“And it’s a good one.” Garcia nodded.

“Why don’t you ask him?” Dave asked.

“You ask him.” Emily countered. “It’s legal in DC now.”

“Haha. I can ask him for you.”

“Dave, if you say anything to Hotch about this I’ll…” Emily cut her eyes at him. “I’ll make sure your second wife gets your unlisted cell phone number.”

“Damn woman,” Dave gasped. “My lips are sealed.”

“Thank you.” she smiled.

“You shouldn’t be thanking me; I didn’t have a choice.”

“You need to do something, Emily.” JJ said. “This thing isn’t going away on its own. And you of all people know what the red tape of bureaucracy can be like.”

“I'm sure I’ll think of something. There are probably a few more phone calls I can make. We’ll have dinner later on OK?”

She walked out of Penelope’s lair and the girls looked at Dave.

“She’s an illegal alien.” Penelope said. “And she won't let me fix it.”

“We have to do something.” JJ added.

“Well count me out. I've been sufficiently threatened.” Dave replied.

“Oh yeah right.” JJ rolled her eyes. “Since when do you care about a little thing like your ex-wife.”

“This is my second ex-wife. She's the Godzilla of ex-wives.”

“I thought that was your third ex-wife.” Penelope said.

“No,” Dave shook his head. “She was the Mandy Smith of ex-wives.”

“I'm not even touching that one with a 39 ½ foot pole.” JJ said shaking her head. “Will you at least help us come up with another idea? Emily’s stuck on desk duty until this is fixed.”

“I think if we put our heads together we can come up with something.” Dave said.

“We already did that.” Penelope said. “We have to come up with something she’ll agree to.”

***

“You're here late.” Hotch said, stopping in front of Emily’s desk. “I thought I was the rotten egg tonight.”

“I got caught up making phone calls.” She replied. “I wasn’t even working on the mountain of paperwork that still needs to be done. I guess I’ll have plenty of time for it handcuffed to my desk for the next God knows how long. 

“And you want to know the worst part? The worst part is the holding. I mean seriously, they need some better Muzak if they’re going to keep people waiting for a half hour before someone picks up. What the hell is that, Hotch?”

“I think you lost me right around handcuffed.” He replied, a light smile on his face.

“I'm sorry. It’s just been a frustrating day.”

“Is there something I can help with?” he asked. 

He wanted his team to know that they could lean on him. He was the leader but he could also be a friend. Emily usually went to Morgan or JJ, sometimes even Dave, with any problem she might be having. But they weren't there right now and he was so maybe…

“I need to become an American quick or I'm in a lot of trouble.”

“Perhaps I should sit down for this.”

“No, its late Hotch; you should go home. You’ve had a long busy day and I don’t want to bore or burden you with my problems. You should be reading Jack bedtime stories and catching up on Anderson Cooper. I've got some good people on my side. This will all work itself out quickly, I hope.”

“I'm on your side too, Prentiss.”

“I know, I…” she sighed. “Some stupid glitch in the system has me as a Saudi Arabian citizen since I was born there.”

“Your parents are American.” Hotch said.

“I know that, you know that; the whole damn world knows that. But the United States of America isn’t recognizing that at the moment and I've been red flagged.”

“Why wasn’t I made aware of this?”

“You got me.” Emily shrugged. She stood from her desk after shutting her computer down, reaching into the bottom drawer for her purse. “I'm sure Strauss was going to tell you soon enough. She called me down to her office this morning to let me know. I'm on desk duty until it works out.”

“How long will that be?” Hotch asked.

“Forever and sixty two days if the amount of time I was on hold was any indication.”

“But can't your parents…?”

“I already talked to my dad.” Emily said. “He's working things on his end and I know he’ll come through for me. But it’s still going to be a time thing. If you can believe it Penelope suggested I marry to gain my citizenship.”

“It’s not the worse thing you can do.” Hotch said. “I'm sure there would be a line around the corner of American men asking for your hand.”

“This isn’t romance, this is business.”

“Romance fades, business is forever.”

“Do you want to get married?” Emily asked.

“I'm sorry, what?” 

“I don’t want to spend eternity riding a desk Hotch. It’s just going to be a paper marriage, not like the real deal or anything. I’ll live my life and you’ll live yours…it’s just for convenience.”

“But it take up to three years for an illegal alien to be recognized as an American citizen through marriage.” he said. “And that’s only after they’ve gone through your life with a fine-toothed comb and everything seems kosher. Which it usually doesn’t and then it takes longer.”

“At the rate this is going, I'm going to have that kind of time.”

“They won't deport you at least. This is obviously just a technical glitch. I bet Garcia could fix it with her eyes closed.”

“I don’t want to get her, or anyone I care about, in that kind of trouble. Nevermind,” Emily held up her hand. “I'm just grasping at straws…I'm desperate. I need to go home, have a big glass of wine, two cloves, and end this day. Tomorrow I’ll get back on the phone again.”

“We’ll walk out together if you want.” He said.

“Sure.”

Nodding, Emily grabbed her jacket and they walked to the elevator. The silence between them was slightly uncomfortable but that was nothing new. Sometimes she had no earthly idea what to say to Hotch. She hid it with her proficiency at her job, witty banter, and sometimes downright ignoring him. Just knowing he was in the room could throw Emily off and she hadn't felt that way in forever. 

She actually hated the feeling. So loving Hotch, or whatever the hell this was, wasn’t a good thing. Especially since he rarely seemed to notice she was alive anymore. There was enough on his plate with balancing single fatherhood and the BAU. He surely didn’t need her problems.

“I must be crazy.” he mumbled under his breath as the elevator doors closed and it started moving between the floors.

“What did you say?” Emily looked at him.

“Why don’t we just do it?” He asked, hardly believing the words coming out of his mouth. “You need to be a citizen again and I…if I can help I want to.”

“You're not going to help me by getting yourself into any trouble Hotch. I'm really grateful but no.” Emily shook her head. “I was seriously just spouting off back there. It’s been that kind of day and I'm a little at my wit’s end.”

“How would I get into trouble?”

“Those kinds of marriages are under constant scrutiny, just like you said. There would be all kinds of questions and we don’t need that. Our lives are complicated enough.”

“You're not a real illegal alien Emily.”

“Yes I know that.” she stepped off the elevator first.

“So they won't pay that much attention to your marriage.” He reasoned.

“Then why do it?” she asked.

“Because everyone knows how the government works. You're hopeful this is will be resolved in a reasonable amount of time. Until it is you'll be working the desk. Married to me, you're allowed to do your job.”

“Is the air thin on our floor? What are you thinking?” Emily signed out and then handed the pen to Hotch.

“I'm thinking about how much you love being out there in the field and how this glitch prevents that. I'm trying to help.”

“I appreciate that but…” 

Hotch waited to hear how she was going to talk herself out of this one. That was funny since she was the one who asked in the first place. He thought she might be crazy for suggesting it but it the truth was that it would work. While he had no idea how this citizenship thing happened, it happened just the same. And his team was going to be down one excellent profiler for an indeterminate amount of time because of it. Hotch always took the brunt of things for his team. This situation would be no different.

“Lets just do it, Emily.” Hotch actually said her first name. “We can throw caution to the wind and just do it. Let’s get married.”

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It was the stupidest, craziest idea ever but the word yes was coming out of her mouth before Emily could stop it. How did she go back from that? How the hell did she stop the crazy train before it derailed? 

She didn’t want this to be something she knew that it wasn’t. Emily didn’t want to get confused and hurt. She didn’t want Hotch to either. And there was Jack; they both had to think about Jack. Not that a five year old really needed to know about their paper marriage.

“Now I really need a drink.” She grabbed her umbrella out of her purse when they walked outside. The rain had slowed but was still falling at a steady pace.

“I’ll buy you one.”

“You will?”

“Sure. You pick the place. If we’re going to make this work we have a lot to discuss. The sooner we get the plan in motion, the better.”

“You do realize you just suggested marrying me right?” Emily asked.

“Actually you asked first.” He corrected. “I just agreed that it would work.”

“And you understand how crazy it sounds?”

“It doesn’t sound crazy, though I can admit that it just might be.”

“Then why are you doing it? Hotch, I don’t need some…”

“We’ll talk about it over drinks. Name a place.”

“Mickey’s.” Emily knew that was the best place to go for a drink and think. Or a drink and jump off a cliff, which is what this might turn out to be.

“We’ll meet there in 20 minutes.” Hotch replied.

“OK.”

She nodded and Hotch watched her go to her car. He didn’t know exactly what he was doing but he had the next 20 minutes or so to figure it out. He wanted to help, and far too often he felt as if he’d let Emily down somehow. He wasn’t going to do that now. This might be spontaneous, crazy, and even a little bit stupid, but something inside Hotch said it was so right. Even the craziest ideas could turn out to be the perfect ones.

***


End file.
